Jan. 30th, 2011

emmelinemay: (eye)
"People think dreams aren't real just because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes" - from Preludes and Nocturnes, Neil Gaiman

I had a beautiful dream last night about Gangy. I need to write it down so I can remember. There were other parts to it, some quite exciting adventurous parts about looking for hidden passageways (one of which turned out to be through a trapdoor in the surface of a swimming pool); running from unspecified threats; searching for the protagonist or perhaps for treasure in underground passageways. But then I was in a house I don't recognise. All the rooms and objects were familiar, I think they must have been made up of rooms I've known in the past, but all mixed together to make one house. I'd been staying with my family, and needed to go soon, I don't know why, but I knew I'd stayed too long and needed to leave.

I heard laughter, and a happy sigh, and saw Gangan watching my family, who were over the road in the living room of their house. It was somehow separated from the house we were in, on it's own, and the windows were larger, and ran around all four sides of the room, like a transparent cube. The blinds were only half turned, and the lights were on, so we could clearly see into the room which was lit with a beautiful warm light. My family were all playing some sort of game, perhaps charades. Everyone was animated and smiling and clearly having a lovely time. "I would love to be able to join in" says Gangan. "Let's go in then" I say, "Let's go and knock on the glass so they can let us in". "No darling" says Gangan, with that lovely warm chuckle of hers that I keep trying to hear in my head. "Let's not disturb them, we don't want them to realise we can see them, it might stop the game. Lets watch them. They look so happy, and are having such a lovely time, let's not make them self concious." So we moved around to the side of the room, and sat down, and watched them laugh and play. I felt so peaceful just sitting there with her, side by side, looking into the warm room and seeing my family all together and so happy.

Then Tigs looked out of the window, and saw us. He waved at me, and smiled, and pointed at me then the door, a gesture to say "come in, come in!". I motioned that I couldn't stay long, I had to go. I realised that he was only looking at me, as if he couldn't see Gangy. I tuned to her and asked her if she was coming in. "Oh, my darling, no" she says. "I will watch you from here." So I went in, and stopped worrying about whatever I was going to be late for, as being with my family in that warmly lit room was more important.

At that point the dream shifted back to the house and I was packing up lots of cake for whereever it was I was going - it alternated between being late for work and late for school - and trying to sell people roller derby t-shirts. I often have dreams like this, where I am late for Unspecified Thing and Stuff keeps happening to prevent it. I am pretty sure it's a good old classic anxiety dream. Only in this one, I didn't feel too anxious about being late, I just accepted that I was going to be late, and would take my time in leaving.

I can't help but be comforted by dream. I guess you can draw your own conclusions as to what it means, what my subconscious is saying about memory, family, acceptance, moving on, and allowing others to move on. But I found it comforting. I woke up sad, and missing her of course; but also with my post of yesterday in mind, feeling that she lives on through us, and that the family hold her in us all, and I hope that if she were to look in on us that she would see us full of love, and celebrating her life, and enjoying our time with each other when we have it; rather than spending our time rushing around and regretting things and missing the tiny precious moments of love and laughter. I want to keep that memory of her looking in on us in that warmly lit room, being silly and happy, and it making her happy just to see us so.

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emmelinemay

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