i'm sure this is not true
Jun. 13th, 2003 12:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emmelinemaybut i like it.
an email sent from a friend at work...
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting
the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank
has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery Let me
level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a
later date to the authorized contact.
8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New
Year?
Your Humble Client
an email sent from a friend at work...
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting
the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank
has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery Let me
level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a
later date to the authorized contact.
8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New
Year?
Your Humble Client
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-13 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-13 04:35 am (UTC)Thats funny!
no subject
Date: 2003-06-13 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-13 07:56 am (UTC)They have these new devices that clock your speed and then take a photo of your car as you drive by. Not all U.S. states use them, and I've no clue about other countries, but the places that do make use are now sending tickets through the mail, with a photograph attached as "proof," because it has the license number of the car, which is of course how they find your address and name to begin with.
One man received the picture of his car speeding, and so he took out cash for the fine, photographed it, and mailed the picture in to the police department.
The department apparently had a joker as well, because someone there, in turn, sent him a picture of some handcuffs.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-13 08:06 am (UTC)my fave one ever is definitely true - A guy who got so pissed off with the terrible service from his bank, he changed his name by deed poll to Mr Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards and had Yorkshire bank make the final closing cheque out to his new name.
Re:
Date: 2003-06-13 06:45 pm (UTC)