Complicated
May. 4th, 2008 11:45 pmhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7371467.stm
The final line of the report sums the event up - "those who didn't even know Sophie feel her loss".
I'm clearly having problems explaining what's going on in my brain right now.
It's like -I'm an attention seeker, right? We all know that. I'm a leo. I'm loud. I like it when people laugh at my jokes. I quite like having an audience. I like to hope that I know when to be the centre of attention, and when not. I may sometimes get that horribly wrong. Generally, I also quite like being on TV. I'm like HEY, I'M ON TV. It's never happened to me before that I'm seeing me all over the TV and every time I see my face and my red eyes, I cry all over again over what happened, because I recall so sharply the exact emotions going through me back then. It was such a hard day - and I still feel weird feeling as sad as I do, because I didn't know Sophie Lancaster. I remember when Princess Di died, I thought it was sad, but didn't understand this mass outpouring of grief from all sides, I thought it was crazy to be so overtaken by someone's death.
I feel bad now, for having been so critical, because I really have been affected by this girl's death, and by her family's amazing response to it.
So it's really hard to explain why seeing my face on tv is weird on this occasion. There's a small subconscious part of me that is going ME ON TELLY, and the concious part is HORRIFIED at that, that somewhere inside me there's a part so callous and thoughtless to be glad I'm on the TV. Because I'm not. I'm devastated, and I don't really have a reason to be, as I didn't know her.
My apologies if things I said earlier here came out wrong - what I'm trying to say and what I'm feeling is incredibly complex, and so deeply tied up with my own psyche and issues and self-awareness that it's coming out wrong every time.
The final line of the report sums the event up - "those who didn't even know Sophie feel her loss".
I'm clearly having problems explaining what's going on in my brain right now.
It's like -I'm an attention seeker, right? We all know that. I'm a leo. I'm loud. I like it when people laugh at my jokes. I quite like having an audience. I like to hope that I know when to be the centre of attention, and when not. I may sometimes get that horribly wrong. Generally, I also quite like being on TV. I'm like HEY, I'M ON TV. It's never happened to me before that I'm seeing me all over the TV and every time I see my face and my red eyes, I cry all over again over what happened, because I recall so sharply the exact emotions going through me back then. It was such a hard day - and I still feel weird feeling as sad as I do, because I didn't know Sophie Lancaster. I remember when Princess Di died, I thought it was sad, but didn't understand this mass outpouring of grief from all sides, I thought it was crazy to be so overtaken by someone's death.
I feel bad now, for having been so critical, because I really have been affected by this girl's death, and by her family's amazing response to it.
So it's really hard to explain why seeing my face on tv is weird on this occasion. There's a small subconscious part of me that is going ME ON TELLY, and the concious part is HORRIFIED at that, that somewhere inside me there's a part so callous and thoughtless to be glad I'm on the TV. Because I'm not. I'm devastated, and I don't really have a reason to be, as I didn't know her.
My apologies if things I said earlier here came out wrong - what I'm trying to say and what I'm feeling is incredibly complex, and so deeply tied up with my own psyche and issues and self-awareness that it's coming out wrong every time.