gossiping, bitching, brutal honesty
Sep. 18th, 2007 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emmelinemay'gossip' has a bad reputation, but is apparently a vital social function...
I've always felt bad about gossiping, or bitching. Especially when it's about a friend. But I have to admit, I do enjoy it. And sometimes, when I'm REALLY cross, having a damn good RANT about someone else makes me feel a lot better. It gets it all out.
The article compares 'gossiping' to grooming in chimps. It, apparently, creates a small high in us, making us feel good, and then is amplified by laughter. So, If you're feeling a little down, or low, phone a friend, get on MSN, have a damn good bitch. It will make you feel better. Maybe that's why I was depressed for so long, I hardly ever bitched about anyone...
That was a joke of course. But I did used to feel really uncomfortable about talking about other people, and I'd always feel I had to follow it up with a compliment, or a good thing, or a defence of the person/people¹ in question. I was always worried the person/people in question would find out what had been said, and be hurt by my words.
These days, I have greater self esteem. More trust in who my real friends are. Less fear of alienating people, or pissing them off. I have less tolerance for people who are gits to me, or treat me badly. Where once I would have assumed problems were my fault or gone to great lengths to avoid saying anything bad about anyone, including people that possibly deserved it, recently, something has clicked.
I have a new philosophy. call it a mid-year resolution. I'm not going to hold back any more. But I am going to keep one thing in mind. Before I have a good gossip or bitch, I'm going to ask myself. Would I dare to say this to the person's face? If the answer is yes, I'll get stuck in. If the answer is no, then I'll try to hold back - or at least re-phrase. I thin that's healthy.
So then I guess the dilemma arises - being nice to someone's face and nasty behind their back = two faced. being nasty to someone's face = Mean.
So how about this - being brutally honest to someone's face, AND behind their back. Could you do that?
As a 'scene' - could our friendship group survive brutal honesty? Perhaps we NEED the mean-behind-back-nice-to-face dynamic to survive. I don't have the answer, I'm just posing the question.
we feign innocence with every act of gossip we commit.
And this, I can relate to. Sally often calls me on it - when I say things like 'I feel bad about this, so-and-so is actually really nice/funny/clever/whatever' she'll say 'no you don't'. She's half right.
I *do * feel bad about bitching and gossping, but I feel good about it too. It's like eating a whole box of chocolates. You know it's awful, and you might pay for it later, but DAMN it feels good. And I have a nasty feeling that one of the main reasons I feel so bad about it is that I would hate it if people were talking about me in the same way.
But then, they probably do. And it probably makes them feel better, too.
"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
Thank you, Mr Wilde.
1 - We're talking generic gossip here, when I say person/people, I don't mean anyone specific!!)
Gossip [...] is far from pointless. It teaches us how to behave, determines our standing in the community, keeps us connected to one another and weeds out liars and cheats. Nearly two-thirds of adult conversation is devoted to people who aren't in the room, which translates to more than two hours a day. Believe it or not, this is not idle chatter. Without indirect evaluations of other people's behaviour, society would simply fall apart.
I've always felt bad about gossiping, or bitching. Especially when it's about a friend. But I have to admit, I do enjoy it. And sometimes, when I'm REALLY cross, having a damn good RANT about someone else makes me feel a lot better. It gets it all out.
The article compares 'gossiping' to grooming in chimps. It, apparently, creates a small high in us, making us feel good, and then is amplified by laughter. So, If you're feeling a little down, or low, phone a friend, get on MSN, have a damn good bitch. It will make you feel better. Maybe that's why I was depressed for so long, I hardly ever bitched about anyone...
That was a joke of course. But I did used to feel really uncomfortable about talking about other people, and I'd always feel I had to follow it up with a compliment, or a good thing, or a defence of the person/people¹ in question. I was always worried the person/people in question would find out what had been said, and be hurt by my words.
These days, I have greater self esteem. More trust in who my real friends are. Less fear of alienating people, or pissing them off. I have less tolerance for people who are gits to me, or treat me badly. Where once I would have assumed problems were my fault or gone to great lengths to avoid saying anything bad about anyone, including people that possibly deserved it, recently, something has clicked.
I have a new philosophy. call it a mid-year resolution. I'm not going to hold back any more. But I am going to keep one thing in mind. Before I have a good gossip or bitch, I'm going to ask myself. Would I dare to say this to the person's face? If the answer is yes, I'll get stuck in. If the answer is no, then I'll try to hold back - or at least re-phrase. I thin that's healthy.
So then I guess the dilemma arises - being nice to someone's face and nasty behind their back = two faced. being nasty to someone's face = Mean.
So how about this - being brutally honest to someone's face, AND behind their back. Could you do that?
As a 'scene' - could our friendship group survive brutal honesty? Perhaps we NEED the mean-behind-back-nice-to-face dynamic to survive. I don't have the answer, I'm just posing the question.
we feign innocence with every act of gossip we commit.
And this, I can relate to. Sally often calls me on it - when I say things like 'I feel bad about this, so-and-so is actually really nice/funny/clever/whatever' she'll say 'no you don't'. She's half right.
I *do * feel bad about bitching and gossping, but I feel good about it too. It's like eating a whole box of chocolates. You know it's awful, and you might pay for it later, but DAMN it feels good. And I have a nasty feeling that one of the main reasons I feel so bad about it is that I would hate it if people were talking about me in the same way.
But then, they probably do. And it probably makes them feel better, too.
"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
Thank you, Mr Wilde.
1 - We're talking generic gossip here, when I say person/people, I don't mean anyone specific!!)
